The more weight I lost the more controlling and nasty my ex became towards me. He stopped complimenting me. I changed my wardrobe and started to wear clothes I always dreamed about such as flowing gothic dresses. I changed my hair and experimented with different colours. I also got my nose pierced and eventually, my lip pierced. I was always a rock chic, but with the weight gain I was unable to wear the things I wanted.
It was thrilling to go be able to wear a shirt that said large instead of 2xx and to shop in regular places. I was not slim, but was acceptable. I still could not wear mini skirts or anything like that, but I was able to wear corsets and look good. I began going out to the rock clubs and made many friends who are still friends to this day. Yet, somewhere in the back of my mind I always saw myself as the unacceptable fat girl. As soon as it was known my relationship was over I had male attention. Because my self-esteem was so poor I also went to counselling to work on myself. I knew my issues were more than just my weight, but how I saw myself. With intense counselling I began to see myself in a different light. People used to compliment me, but I shunned from the compliments due to my self-esteem. With time, I began to accept myself and not look in the mirror with hate and loathing.
When I met my husband he told me later into the relationship he used to see me out in the clubs and liked what he saw, but he was with someone else at the time. He pursued me. He was exactly the type of man I wanted; gothic, into the same music and enjoyed going out. I also took up photography and got to meet some famous and not so famous musicians. I had a few come on to me, but I treated them with professionalism. One well known musician emailed me and apologized for his behaviour. And then told me he was married!
When my husband met me he was shocked to find my fridge and freezer was turned off. And there was very little food in the house. I worked hard on losing my weight and half lived off the Cambridge Diet packs and closely watched what I ate. Plus, I had a very active life between working, going to counseling, doing kung fu 2x a week, going out with friends on the weekends and photographing bands for a rock magazine as well as some rock clubs.
I had been infertile and did not expect to have children. I was also against marriage. Been there, done that. And it did not work. I made it clear to my now husband that I would maybe get married after a 20 year engagement. He went out and got me an engagement ring. I also told him that if he wanted children it would not be with me as I was told I could not have children. He is 7 years younger and I was 38 and he was 31.
A year into our relationship I broke my foot and was unable to do anything for a few months. I was not able to do my martial arts training and right after my cast came off I found out I was pregnant. My thyroid disease also went out of control and I was put under the care of a consultant. And the weight piled on until my disease was under control. I did not care. I was having the baby I always wanted. I would worry about the weight later.
My son was born and we were in hospital for a week as he had jaundice. He was back in at 3 weeks old for an upper respiratory infection. And then a lot of upsetting things happened in our lives. My son kept getting thrown out of different nurseries and he was recently diagnosed with autism. Life has been a roller coaster for the past 5 years. I feel like I have been living under a dark cloud that is just starting to go away. My son is now settled in a special needs school.
I used to get my nails done and had regular facials as well as pedicures. My beautiful gothic clothes remain in my closet. Each time I see them I give a sigh. I have not felt the inclination to lose the weight until recently. I had a few false starts and would lose around 15 pounds, but then gained it back. I have been sedentary for a long time. And I have let myself go. But, there is one major change. I am now as fat as I was at my heaviest. My husband would prefer me to be what I used to weigh, but he has been clear he loves me just as much now as he ever did. My weight has made no difference to how he feels towards me.
But, I have changed. I do not give a damn what anyone thinks. I do not see myself as the fat girl out anymore. And I am comfortable in my skin. I also do not hide myself. I even joke about my weight and tell my husband he has his Star Wars dream...not Princess Leia, but Jabba the Hutt.
And now I am ready to lose weight not to sort out my feelings of worthlessness, but because I want to have the energy to keep up with my 5 year old. And my clothes deserve to be worn. I refuse to get a new wardrobe. I am also getting older and know with the risk of heart problems and joint issues I need to drop the weight. And I truly do not care what others think of my weight. No matter my size I am the same person.
I am starting on Slim and Save. I know how to eat right due to my years of Slimming World. I am a lifelong vegetarian, but my portions is the main issue along with a sedentary lifestyle. Tonight I am having a final meal, which is a take away. I will be documenting my journey as a way to keep me motivated. I do not know who will read this, but it will serve as a reminder to me to keep going. So, here is to the new year and the determination to wear my lovely clothes again.
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