I have read other people's blogs and did not really think to start my own until recently. This is partially as a weight loss diary combined with my other interests.
I've always had a weight problem. As a child until my teens I had trouble gaining weight and ate like a horse, but stayed slim. In my teens I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's disease, which is a thyroid disease. And then I started to gain weight. By the time I was 17 years old I weighed 200 pounds. My mother always told me to accept myself as I am and not worry what others thought. But, I was not happy. My large appetite remained, but my body now showed the effects of it.
Clothes were hard to find and I found myself hiding underneath outfits that did not really fit who I was. Most of the clothes back in those days (1980's) were designed for much older women and there was certainly nothing gothic available in my size.
I never lacked male company, though. I am lucky to have large breasts, a medium frame and no matter how much weight I gain it never shows in my face. No matter what, my self-esteem was in the pits. I saw myself as less worthy than other women who were slim. They were able to find nice things to wear and if a man showed any attention my only thought is they were out for an easy shag. I shunned a lot of the men who did come onto me and the more attractive they were, the more I pushed them away. Why would any man want to be with a fat woman? I did not accept myself as I was despite my mother saying I should.
I was spurred to go on a drastic diet after I was completely humiliated. I started university and went on spring break with some fellow students to Florida. I was sharing a room with 3 other girls I never met before, but was looking forward to a big adventure. The Beastie Boys were playing at the hotel next door and MTV was there. It should have been a blast. At 18 years old I should be having fun and not worrying about what I weighed.
The girls I shared the room with decided to shun me and my time was very lonely. Another student who was in a room next door befriended me and he paid a lot of attention. Of course I latched onto his attentions and after we had sex he changed. He accused me of taking his virginity and said he was soooo confused that he needed time to himself. I was very hurt and felt I did something wrong. In hindsight he saw me as easy pickings and did not want his mates to know he was with a fat girl.
The day after there was a party and my roommates were talking about it. It was an open invitation to everyone and I was very keen on going. I was sick of walking around in the shops by myself and having no one to talk to. It was supposed to be fun, but it felt like I wasted my time and money. I joined in on the conversation and said it should be a fun party. As soon as I opened my mouth the girls became quiet and looked at one another. I asked what was wrong and was told that I am the only one who was not allowed to come to the party because the hosts said they did not want any fat girls there. I was hurt and humiliated. I stopped talking to my roommates after this.
Later that evening I heard the party going and it was obvious everyone was having a blast. I decided to take a walk and go to one of the many nightclubs in the area. I started talking to two men who were on leave from the Navy. They treated me like a human being and neither of them were trying to do anything sexual towards me. I think they knew I was feeling down and lonely. We met up a few times until they had to leave, but I was grateful for their company. It is not nice being the fat girl out.
I made a vow that when I returned home I would make a drastic change. Within hours of my return I cleared all the food out of my kitchen. I began to live on cups of tea and limited myself to one yoghurt and a can of tomato soup per day. I also began to exercise by dancing in my living room. Soon, the weight began to drop off.
End of part 1
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